I created this blog because I wanted to help other people. I thought that by writing about my own experience, I could help those who suffered from anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, or things of the like. It’s clear that Tumblr has become a place for people to talk about these subjects.
However, my path and inquiry has shifted direction as I realized there are many things within myself that I’m not so sure about. So lately, I’ve been inquiring into the the nature of things, how I see myself, and how I see the world.
But, I’d like to provide a piece of my experience to the matter… I’m no professional in regards to advice I can give about dealing with anxiety and depression. And, I’ll be quite candid on this post and provide a little background on how I came to Buddhism, which has a lot to do with how I deal with my anxiety and depression.
During my second year of college, I started having panic attacks as well as obsessions. The obsessions were of the ruminative kind that would keep me preoccupied and out of touch with my environment. My attachment to pushing the obsessions away eventually led me into a downward spiral. They were so pervasive, that my inability to shift my attention away from them discouraged me from seeking help. This downward spiral sent me to the hospital, as I contemplated the life I did not want to live. How could I live, if I could not stop thinking?! Little did I know, thinking doesn’t stop! I suppose I wasn’t aware of this fact previously…
Needless to say, coming back from that, I decided to go deeper into the nature of my suffering. All other methods of approach, never truly provided me with the set of skills that could allow me to deal with anxiety and depression in a self-loving and pro-active way. Kindness to oneself is a great reminder to be gentle with yourself when the going gets tough, and is still something that I continue to work on to this day because it is something that develops as time passes.
This is not to say that medication and/or psychotherapy cannot provide the help that one needs to learn to work with these sticky feelings, but as with anything, they are not in themselves the end of suffering. I know this from direct experience and I learned this the hard way.
I can only speak for myself when I reference this difficult part of my life, but I think a lot can be said about the truth of suffering when, and only if, we decide to take a closer look at it. I took that risk, the risk of diving into the heavy feelings, to learn about them, and to learn about ‘me’. My only regret, is that I had not done so with the guidance of someone experienced in such matters.
There is a lot to talk about when it comes to this subject… but I think the main thing I can say, reflecting on it now, is that the only way out of the anxiety, depression, or whatever kind of mental illness it is, is with…
To be with our feelings, to be with the thoughts that make us feel bad, and to work with them. This is the hardest part, and it nearly drove me to the edge. But to the edge of what? Life will continue, just as thoughts will continue, just as everything continues… and that’s why I gave up pushing back.
To be clear, I’m not saying that one should be depressed or anxious… by just beingwiththem, but that depression and anxiety, at least for me, could not be solved by thinking. In addition, obsessive compulsive made it hard for me to use rationalizing alone, to deal with Anxiety and Depression, as the hyper-focusing related to obsessing only seemed to only make it worse!
Over time, staying with the feelings allowed my mind to habituate to anxious thoughts, and now I am here today… with all kinds of thinking intact, but a little more manageable! Haha. At least now, I can not be so wrapped up in thinking, that I can kind of see where the thoughts do start dissolve… just as the next one comes up out of no where!
Just remember that if and when you decide to take the plunge, do so with the guidance of someone experienced in the matters of the like, especially if they are emotions and feelings that really take you away from now, this moment, which is the anchor, if you start drifting away…
I know it’s hard, and I know it feels like there is no control… but even the ruminating mind gets tired and/or bored with something that used to make it excited/worried/anxious. Maybe control was the issue too, and controlling thinking only compounded the issue for me.
As a reminder, talk to your doctor or someone who is experienced with dealing with these kinds of feelings. It can get pretty heavy quick so start slowly. Learn a little more about breathing techniques as proper breathing can help during periods of panic or distress.
And, please, please… be kind and gentle to yourself, as friend had also reminded me, this is not an easy process and you have to allow yourself to take a break when it becomes overwhelming. And if anything… be glad that you have witnessed the truth of suffering, perhaps the fears that had worried us so much, can become the gateway to freedom from suffering. We can only really know for ourselves, so question and find out for yourself…
Posted at 10:14pm and tagged with: ocd, depression, anxiety, mindfulness, buddhism,.
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